[露中 R18] Sex and the Forbidden City


Series: APH Hetalia
| Pairing: Ivan x Yao (Russia x China, 露中) | Genre: Lemon, Humour, Romance (sort of) | Rating: R-18

Synopsis: China's panda population is dwindling and Mr Dragon wants China to make a porn video to encourage the pandas to mate. Guess who China ropes in as his co-star? Written in response to a kink meme request for an APH couple making a home porn video.

Disclaimer: The following story is a derivative work of APH and shares no relation to actual countries, political ideologies, history or events. Characters are copyright to Hidekaz Himaruya, but the storyline and writing are copyright to me. You may share the link to my blog or blog post, but you may not repost my writings without my permission.

Chapter 1: You Want Me to What!

"YOU WANT ME TO WHAT?" Wang Yao yelled so loudly that his voice echoed through the corridors of the government complex where he was having a meeting with his boss, causing several officials in various parts of the building to drop their pens in fright.

"Calm down, Yao," the Dragon said tiredly. He had just spent an entire afternoon in the company of a very persistent and agitated president of a certain Panda preservation society and did not appreciate being shouted at by another of his subordinates. Why, if this had been in the olden days, such rudeness would be dealt with at the execution ground.

"Calm down? Calm down? You tell me with a straight face that you want me to make an adult movie to save the panda population and you expect me to calm down aru?" Yao cried, tearing at his hair in exasperation.

"I could tell you with an angsty face that I would like you to make an adult movie to save the panda population and I'm sure it would have elicited the same response," the Dragon responded calmly.

"Aiya! That's not the point aru!" Yao stomped his foot.

"The pandas are facing the danger of extinction. Thailand said his researchers have discovered that showing our pandas pornography will encourage them to mate. As a nation, Yao, it is your duty to save our national symbol."

"I know aru! And I'm not trying to shirk responsibility! But... wouldn't it be more appropriate if we used pandas in the video instead of people?" Yao said desperately.

"Yao, if we could make the pandas do an adult movie, would our panda population be suffering now?"

Yao sighed. The Dragon had a good point.

"Fine. But why does it have to be me? Why not the people? We have many fine actors and actresses in our entertainment industry. Or even better, why not import adult movies from other countries? Like... like Japan for example?"

"Yao! You banned pornography yourself! What would our people say if you don't practise what you preach? We would be the international laughing stock if we broke the law we have tried so hard to enforce since 1949!"

The Dragon's words made a lot of sense. Certainly, he was not the Dragon for nothing.

"Cheer up, Yao! On the bright side, you can choose anyone you want to be your co-star, as long as this person is reliable and can keep mum. I will provide you with all the equipment you need to make it. I promise you that nobody else will get to see this video other than the pandas. Besides, you only have to act it out, not actually do it you know."

Yeah right, a lot of comfort that was.

Alas, that was the fate of a nation. The Chinese were a superstitious lot and should the panda population really die out, the people would deem it as sign from the heavens. It would break them. As a nation, he had to protect the peace of his people, even if it meant self-sacrifice.

"Very well aru, I will do all I can to help the pandas," Yao sighed.

"Thank you Yao. You may go now."

The Dragon was very generous. He had sent an entire lorry of videography equipment to Yao's house. Since the Dragon had urged for discretion, and Yao personally would not have it any other way, he supposed he would have to figure out all the equipment and directing himself. Or hope his partner could.

Yes, the partner. Who on earth could he rope in to do this horrible deed?

Xiang would be perfect. Xiang liked pandas too, and since he was officially a family member, he could be counted on to not let news about the movie leak out to other countries. But Xiang was so devoid of facial expression that acting was probably an alien concept for him. Yao mentally struck him off the list.

Wan? Er... if he even brought up the subject, he could probably forget about ever bringing her home.

Yong Soo? No, Yao would not be able to tolerate him shouting about how every single position originated from Korea.

Kiku? With the expert in the house, Yao would not have to worry about the videography. But... Kiku had weird kinks... Nah...

Francis would only be too happy to agree. But the man's verbal sexual abuse was already unbearable. Yao could not imagine being naked in the same room with a naked Francis.

Heracles, who was so famous for his citizens' high sex drive? Yao could offer to help Heracles get out of that ridiculous debt he had gotten himself into in exchange for his help. But Ludwig would become suspicious and there would be a lot of explaining to be done.

Ludwig? Definitely not, not after Feliciano had innocently showed everybody Ludwig's 'exotic collection' of adult toys at the last World Summit.

Feliciano? Ludwig would kill him.

Alfred? Yao could offer to write off his debts in exchange for his help and silence. After all, it did not seem like he could repay them any time soon so he might as well take the opportunity to make him work for his debt.

But Ivan would get upset. Yao's inclination to Alfred's policies had caused a huge conflict between them years ago and it had been quite awhile before they mended their relationship. If Ivan somehow got wind of information that Yao was working with Alfred on something so intimate, he might launch a second Cold War. Not only would this be bad for all other nations, but in future, everyone in the world would learn from their history textbooks that Cold War II started because China made an adult movie with America.

Never. Not in a million years.

So... Ivan was the only option.

Ivan had a vibrant pornography, no sorry, erotica industry. Yao could count on him for the directing. Yao was friendly with Ivan and probably had no problems convincing him to help him. But Ivan's possessiveness was frightful. He felt that Ivan would not be satisfied with just 'acting it out', especially having observed the way Ivan always looked at him lustfully.

Nevertheless, for the sake of the pandas and the people, Yao dialed a number on his cell phone.

"Hello, is this Ivan?"

Notes for Chapter 1:

This fic was written during the financial crisis in Europe, where Greece landed in huge debt, hence some references to it. Germany was in charge of finding ways to solve this crisis and they did go to China for a loan but China declined.

Panda Pornography: It exists. [link]

Erotica: The Russians consider adult movies an art form. According to wikipedia - "Russian directors and the entire community of adult-movie fans, critiques, and others intrigued by the rare sexual appeal of the Russian movies, often shun away from using the term pornography. Rightfully so, they prefer a more accurate term of Erotica, which stands for a more creative and passionate dramatic performance."

Chapter 2: For the Pandas

Warning: This chapter contains sexual references and foreplay.

Despite his revulsion, Yao could not help feeling impressed. After he had half-heartedly made his lewd request to Ivan over the phone, the fair-haired nation had come hurtling into his house on a missile (luckily it did not explode although it did cause some substantial damage to his garden), decorated the 'set' aka Yao's bedroom to make it look like an adult sex shop, complete with a heart-shaped love bed and lots of pink and red lava lamps, installed all the videography equipment and made Yao put on his 'movie costume', all within one hour.

"You're happy da? My wife~?" Ivan, clad in a suit, threw his arms around Yao and nuzzled his neck.

"Aiya who's your wife!" Yao cried, elbowing Ivan in his ribs. "This is just an act, all right? Anyway, why the hell do I have to wear this wedding gown aru?"

"Because a couple's first night is the most romantic and erotic story for an erotica movie. Your pandas will enjoy it, don't you think so da~?" Ivan took Yao's gloved hand and stroked it lovingly. The feel of Yao's delicate skin from beneath the porous lace made him want to tear off the gloves there and then together with the fluffy white gown that Yao was now wearing. But he had to be patient.

"Whatever, let's just get on with it aru," Yao snatched his hand away. He was really feeling like a lamb in a wolf's lair. But at least this wedding gown was modest and the huge skirt would allow them to pretend to do naughty things under it without either of them having to strip anything. How surprisingly thoughtful of Ivan.

"So, I just get on the bed right?" Yao flopped down carelessly on the lovebed.

"My dear, you're so unromantic," Ivan smirked. In a sweeping motion, he lifted Yao in a bridal-style carry and muzzled Yao's mouth with his lips.

"Mmmph!" Yao instinctively flailed his legs and pummeled Ivan's chest with his hands but to no avail.

After Ivan had explored every nook and cranny of Yao's mouth with his tongue, he gently deposited the smaller nation back on the bed. Clambering over a slightly disoriented Yao, he purred into Yao's ear, "My sweet little sunflower~ You will become one with me forever and ever da?"

"No! I won't aru! And don't give me nicknames!" Yao snapped as he tried to push Ivan away.

"Tsk tsk... Quarreling on the wedding night... what will the poor pandas think..." Ivan smiled tragically.

"The pandas don't understand human speech!" Yao snarled.

"But they will feel our angst. Didn't you always say your pandas practically have human souls?"

"Aiya! All right aru!"

"Say it~ say 'I will become one with Ivan forever and ever~" Ivan said teasingly.

'I... I will become one with... Ivan... forever and ever..." Yao muttered through gritted teeth, his face flushing furiously.

"My wife is so cute~" Ivan cupped Yao's face with his hands and left a wet smooch on his forehead.

Ivan trailed kisses down Yao's cheek, all the way to his neck. Yao winced. The gentle kisses became forceful suction sensations as Ivan's lips left red marks all down Yao's neck and shoulder.

"For the pandas for the pandas for the pandas for the pandas..." Yao pinched his eyes shut and chanted in his head.


"Wha...? What'd you do that for aru!" Yao sat up in shock and stared down, agape, at his own Hello Kitty boxers as the front of his wedding gown split all the way down and promptly fell apart. Ivan tossed aside carelessly the large white fabric he had torn off Yao's bridal dress.

"My dear wife, we can't have sex with your clothes on, silly," Ivan chided as he pushed Yao back onto the bed.

"I'm not having sex with you aru!" Yao cried as he desperately tried to push Ivan away.

"Dear me, Yao, do you have any idea how much time we'll have to spend editing out all this unnecessary dialogue thanks to your terrible acting? Not to mention all that money that goes into the wasted film? Now just lie down, relax and stay in-role as my docile bride. You want to get this over and done with, for the pandas da?"

Yao scowled but laid his head back on the pillow meekly. He felt vulnerable without his fluffy white cover but it was already ruined by the Russian's brute force, so there was no turning back.

"Now take off my shirt for me," Ivan said cheerfully.

Angrily, Yao grabbed the collar of Ivan's shirt and tore it all down the front crudely with both hands, revealing a muscular, toned torso with six abs and soft, platinum blonde chest hair.

"See? Told you I was just big-boned, not fat," Ivan smiled as he caressed Yao's smooth chest. He could feel Yao's heart pulsating rapidly.

"Hmmph," Yao grunted. Ivan did kind of have a hot body.

"Yao... even without a woman's ampleness, your chest is very beautiful. Did you know that?" Ivan brought his tongue to a plum-coloured circle on the hairless white canvas and began licking sensually, lusty fingers toying with the other twin.

"For the pandas for the pandas for the pandas for the pandas..." Yao chanted this mantra in his head as though his life depended on it.

The soft, ticklish sensation gave way to sharp stings as Ivan nibbled the hardening pink tip.

"Don't... don't.. not there..." Yao whimpered as another strange sensation took over his twitching body. His brain told him that he was in a very perilous position, yet his body seemed to welcome this indecent taunt.

"Mmm... Yao... you're one sensitive guy da!~" Ivan's large fingers stroked even more vigorously.

"Aaah...! S... stop it!" Yao arched his body involuntarily. His stiffening manhood pushed against Ivan's, which was already making an obvious tent in his pants.

"My, my, Yao, that didn't take very long! You want me badly, don't you?" Ivan placed a hand over Yao's erection and gave it a playful squeeze.


Yao delivered a well-aimed punch at the Russian's large nose. Fortunately for Ivan and unfortunately for Yao, because it was so large and tough, the force of the assault only caused Ivan's head to reel from temporary pain. Nevertheless, thankful for the momentary distraction, Yao shoved Ivan away and jumped out of the bed.

"What are you doing?" Ivan demanded, cupping his throbbing nose with a palm.

"I've had enough! I'm leaving aru!" Yao fumed as he pulled on his black pants.

"Don't you want to finish this for your pandas?" Ivan asked.

"To hell with the pandas!" Yao lashed out as he threw on his red mandarin jacket. They could burn in the eighteen levels of hell for all he cared if it meant keeping his innocence intact.

"Oh Yao... you of all people, cursing your own national treasure. This isn't like you," Ivan sighed dramatically.

"Shut up, you bloody pervert aru! I should have known better than to ask you for help! Aiyaaaaa! Why does this thing have so many buttons!" Yao shrieked as he tried and failed to button up his shirt with his trembling hands.

"So... the movie is off da?"

"It's never going to happen aru! Not with you anyway!" Yao continued to struggle with his buttons.

"Oh? Who else were you planning to do it with?" An eerie purple mist shrouded Ivan's head.

"None of your business aru!"

"You said you'd become one with me forever and ever, Yao~ You lied to me~" Ivan went into Yandere mode.

"That was your own wishful thinking aru...! Aiyaaa! I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER INVENTED BUTTONS!"

"Oh don't bother buttoning up~ I don't want to spoil your nice shirt~" Yao suddenly found himself back in Ivan's tight embrace.

"Ivan, I made it very clear that I have no intentions of becoming one with you aru! What part of it do you not understand!" Yao widened his eyes in alarm as Ivan dragged him back onto the wretched bed.

"Yao~ I didn't kidnap your pandas and fund their expensive bamboo shoots all these years just so that you can find an excuse to screw around with someone else~"

"You... you've been kidnapping my pandas all these years? Is that why they keep disappearing?"

Yao was momentarily stunned and confused. Anger filled his mind as he thought of all the money and efforts he had spent on researching panda breeding. It soon gave way to dread when Ivan squeezed his waist suggestively. Oh heavens, he really meant business.

"Da~ So if you don't want them to go to hell, be a good wife to me or else... Kolkolkolkol~~~"

Chapter 3: Sex in the Forbidden City

Warning: This chapter contains vivid descriptions of male-on-male lemon and starts off as non-consensual.

Yao lay spread-eagle on the lovebed, completely naked, wrists fastened to the bedpost, and eyes blindfolded by Ivan's scarf.

He felt the warmth of Ivan's body over his own, silky lips tasting every inch of his face and neck, fingers combing through his raven-black tresses. Another audacious hand slid between his legs. Yao gasped as Ivan's long fingers wrapped around his own erect manhood.

"You're hard for me, my sweet sunflower, You're so lovely. You want me da? Just a little? Here, my little sunflower, let me..." his voice trailed off as he began stroking his aroused length.

"Don't... don't touch me there..." Yao whimpered from desire and humiliation as he felt his member grow more excited. Ignoring his protests, Ivan bent over, while keeping his fingers busy, and buried his face in Yao's hair, inhaling the intoxicating scent of peonies. His teeth found his ear, and he licked and sucked hard on it. A hoarse little moan escaped Yao's throat with every movement of his fingers and every touch of his tongue. A small fire built up in his belly, making his body ache with desire.

Yao writhed under him, pulling against the ropes that bound him to the bed, body quivering as he tried to close his legs to keep out the hungry bear, but Ivan pushed them apart effortlessly with a strong hand, keeping the creamy thighs open to his wishes.

"You're so wet..." Ivan murmured softly, his fingers lightly caressing the outside of Yao's back entrance, "You've made the sheet all wet under you da~" he purred, thrilled with the discovery.

"Help me," Yao whispered to nobody in particular. His mind wanted to shut out Ivan's humiliating invasion, but his body wanted him, needed to feel him inside himself.

As if they heard his thoughts, Ivan's fingers, eager to please, slithered slowly into the wet entrance. He heard the sharp intake of breath, and his lips curled into a wider smile. He pushed his fingers a little deeper, searching for the spot that would dispel Yao's inhibitions towards him. Yao's body stiffened, electrified, proving that Ivan had discovered it.

What was he doing? Yao panicked as his breathing grew quicker and deeper. In his blindfolded state, he could only deduce that Ivan was doing something pleasurable... no, filthy to him. His hips rocked against the thick fingers, pushing hard. The burning sensation in his stomach was almost more than he could stand.

Suddenly, the fingers left, and his arms were freed. Yao felt himself pulled into Ivan's embrace. He lay trembling in his arms for a long slow moment. Quietly, as though it was a subconscious motion, Ivan slid his member back and forth in the crack of Yao's rear till he cried out and began to struggle.

Ivan cupped Yao's chin and tilted his face upwards forcefully until their lips were level. He clung to the delicious small lips, his tongue darting in to taste and tease him. He moved on, to the corners of his mouth, the curve of his jaw, the hollow at the base of his neck. Until Yao was breathless. Until he answered with kisses of his own. Until his arms found their way around his neck and his fears dissolved into desire. Legs locked around his hips and his wet back-entrance slid up and down the length of his member, inviting him inside, showing that he was ready for him.

"Please... don't hurt me aru," Yao breathed as he thought of the huge knob that made him avert his eyes instinctively when Ivan removed his own clothes earlier on.

"I won't hurt you," Ivan whispered back, his usually sweet voice now hoarse and low with passion. "But I have to f*ck you... now!" A low growl of passion rumbled from him as he swiftly mounted him, his aching prick searching for relief in the heat between the perky butt cheeks. He pushed his way in, first the head, then further into the hot juicy hole until Yao cried out with pain.

Yao whimpered beneath him, stretched painfully tight by his huge member. Panic blossomed once again and he moaned softly and began to struggle, "Not so deep... you're hurting me..."

Ivan tightened his arms around his frightened lover and held him still with the weight of his body. He pulled him close and whispered love words in his ear. Then he kissed him, holding his mouth with his until Yao was so dizzy that he relaxed and let him slide further into him.

Ivan stroked his face. "I would never hurt you," he breathed. The touch of his lips burned hot pools on Yao's eyelids, cheek bones, the corners of his mouth...

"I've wanted you for so long," Ivan's voice broke and he crushed their bodies together, his lips hot on Yao's, passion for him electrifying the air like a thunderstorm.

He grabbed his lover's butt cheeks and rammed himself home, deeper and deeper till his twin sacs were squashed against his behind. He flexed and pushed further into his lover, who retaliated by digging his nails into his broad back, legs locked around his waist, holding him inside himself... his captive.

Ivan's member burned inside Yao, stretched him, threatened to rip him open. Yao cried out as Ivan jerked his member out of him, only to plunge deep inside, again... and again... and again... and again. His pleas for him to stop fell on deaf ears.

Overcome by an impulse to have his lover witness the beauty of their copulation, Ivan whipped his scarf off Yao's eyes. The sudden influx of light momentarily blinded him, but when his eyes got accustomed to their new found freedom, he saw, all too clearly, the area where their bodies bonded wantonly. The blush on his face deepened and he pinched his eyes shut from embarrassment.

Turned on by Yao's adorable reaction, Ivan groaned and pulled his lover's mouth to his own, consuming him in a slow sensual kiss. As Yao moaned in response, Ivan slipped his tongue deep into his mouth, sucking it back into his own mouth, enjoying the way he felt in his arms, and on his prick.

God he was so excruciatingly tight, and so hot! He plunged deeply into the heat again and again. Yao mewed little cries of pleasure in rhythm to his thrusts, each cry urging Ivan to press deeper and harder into him.

"I... Ivan... slow down! I can't bear it anymore!" Yao cried.

He closed his eyes as the thing that had been building inside him, blinding him, driving him, took control. Their bodies moved together in a powerful rhythm and he felt his lover swell inside him, announcing that he was close to the edge.

"Yao... Yao... you're amazing..." Ivan stiffened as he cried out and pulled his lover hard against him. Yao felt him swell even thicker inside him, filling him up, his juices spilling inside him in the same instant that his own secretion was released. Electricity burnt through their bodies as hard racking spasms of pleasure made every inch of muscle tingle.

Ivan rolled on his back so that his exhausted lover could rest on top of him. They joined hands. Ivan stroked his dark-coloured hair, now damp from perspiration.

"That wasn't too bad da?" Ivan asked.

"Hmmph," Yao grunted.

"You're the best, Yao," he whispered.

"You're the worst, Ivan," Yao answered grumpily.

"Ah, surely you don't mean that. Do you really dislike me so much?" Ivan's fingers stopped midway among the damp tresses.

"I... I don't know aru. Maybe I don't," Yao blushed.

"I sure hope you don't, otherwise... kolkolkolkol~" Ivan smiled creepily, making Yao's hair stand on ends.

As Ivan resumed his stroking, Yao stammered, "Why... why are you doing all this aru?"

"Why? Just like how you'd do anything for your pandas out of love, I'd do anything to make you mine~ Because I love you."

Chapter 4: All the News that's Fit to Print

It was a peaceful weekday morning. Like every other morning, Yao sat at his dining table, enjoying his breakfast of buns and Chinese tea, and reading the newspaper.

"Panda births hit record high", the front page headlines screamed. Yao was glad. The lewd deed he had accomplished with the help of his overeager Russian neighbour three months ago had paid off. He had successfully prolonged the lifespan of his national treasure, even if it meant that he was from now on subject to the fair-haired nation's constant blackmailing to go on dates and do things that lovey-dovey couples did.

Ever since Yao had supplied all the zoos and panda conservation centres throughout his land with the complete masterpiece, having warned the various establishments that any human who dared watch it would have their eyes stabbed out and be sentenced to life imprisonment, the local newspapers had begun to report regular accounts of Pandas mating successfully. In the past week, the success of Thailand's research was proven in the form of a record-breaking figure of panda cubs being born at approximately the same period of time.

Sighing happily, Yao flicked on the television switch and tuned in to FOX News Channel for the international news. He was in such a good mood that even Alfred's regular criticisms of his domestic and international policies through his heavily biased media would not get him down.

"China stuns the world with a new stand on pornography and homosexuality," the blonde, bespectacled newscaster beamed conspiratorially from the television screen, idiot hair trembling with excitement at the juicy tidbit he was about to share. Yao widened his eyes in surprise. Since when had he made a stand on these taboo subjects on an international basis?

"Sixty years after banning the production and ownership of pornography among its people, the prudish nation comes out of its shell to release its very own lurid tale of seduction between a European man and an Asian man, or Ivan and Yao, as affectionately touted by netizens based on the couple's dirty talk in a home movie that has been making it's rounds around the internet since this morning."

"I... I will become one with... Ivan... forever and ever..."

Yao choked on his tea as a crystal-clear screenshot of Ivan and Yao sharing a moment of passion appeared on the TV, mosaic covering their vital regions.

"Insiders say that the video originated from a top-ranking Chinese officer's email address. Experts reveal that the video has been received by approximately one and a half billion people in the world, a figure that coincides with the number of internet users in the world. Reasons for this mass-distribution are unclear, but it is believed that China is taking an aggressive stand to secure its economic interests in the lucrative adult industry. The Chinese President and the cabinet have remained uncontactable since morning."

An image of Yao and Ivan with lips interlocked stared down mockingly at the disconcerted Chinese nation.

"In other international news, Hungary's stock market has been fluctuating rapidly since this morning. Economic analysts fear that this will further rock the European economy. Efforts to reach the Hungarian finance minister have been futile, but our correspondent in Hungary reveals that the Hungarian cabinet is in disarray following a leading official's hospitalization for Hemorrhage in the nose…"

Yao switched off the television. He sank into his couch, blank eyes staring up at the ceiling, but registering nothing of it. His world was crumbling before his eyes. How could he face the world when every single person with internet access had seen his… thing? Even worst, why the hell did he look happy in it when he was absolutely sure that he hated every moment of it?

Which top-ranking Chinese officer bore such a grudge that he would ruin his reputation by such a devious manner? If he ever got his hands on him, he would make sure to give that imbecile a life worst than death. It may not salvage his reputation, but it would at least intimidate others into shutting up about the whole fiasco. Yes, if he found out who this moron was, he would break all his fingers, shave his head, pull out all his toe nails, castrate him alive…

Yao's national anthem issued from his cell phone, jolting him out of malevolent thoughts. Several nation's names appeared on the screen, one after another in subsequent order. Then the sequence repeated itself over and over again with each extra minute Yao allowed it to ring. There were nations that he was on friendly terms with, nations that he longed to reestablish friendly relations with, nations that he only knew by sight. Suddenly, everyone in the world wanted to talk to him, when he wanted nothing to do with anyone at the moment. How ironic. Yao rejected every single call, but they kept coming back. He was about to switch it off when one name stood out.

"Hello, boss?"

"Yao. Emergency meeting in my office. Right now."

Yao dragged his feet to his boss' office with a heavy heart. The walk to the Dragon's office from Yao's house was less than half an hour, but it felt as long as half a day. Along the way, he met several officials who averted their eyes when he passed them. Even the cleaning lady jumped and blushed furiously when he asked her to make way for him along the narrow corridor.

Finally, he reached his destination. Taking a deep breath, he pushed open the heavy oak doors. The Dragon was already addressing someone else seated in front of his oak desk.

Oh heavens. Xiang. Yao turned to leave. He did not feel like talking to anyone else at the moment, especially his little brother, whom he was supposed to be a role model for.

"Yao, where are you going?" Too late. The Dragon had spotted him.

Sighing, Yao turned around to face the music.

Xiang's face was passive as usual. Yao searched for signs of shame and blame on his emotionless face, but the only indications of activity in Xiang's brain were the two trails of blood trickling out of his nostrils.

"Aiya! Your nose is bleeding!" Yao exclaimed, embarrassed and flustered by Xiang's lascivious reaction.

Xiang hastily wiped his nose on his sleeve. Yao could not help wondering if he would cause a mass hemorrhage the next time he walked into a United Nations meeting. He looked at the Dragon almost accusingly. How insensitive of him to force him into such a socially awkward position!

"Xiang says he has something very important to tell us. He only just got here," the Dragon explained.

"What is it aru?" Yao sighed, turning his amber eyes back to Xiang.

To his surprise, Xiang asked in a very small voice, "Da Ge, do you love me?"

Yao's face contorted in horror. How rudely unsubtle! Surely this wasn't such an appropriate moment for a declaration of love? Yao did not know if he ought to feel flattered or disgusted by the effect his video had on his innocent little brother.

Eventually, arranging his features into an expression which he deemed neutral, Yao said calmly, "Of course, Xiang. You're my little brother. It's only right that I do aru."

"So you will forgive me, no matter what mistakes I've made?" Xiang asked.

"Aiya, there is nothing to forgive between brothers aru," Yao replied, wondering where this conversation was taking them.

Xiang took a deep breath.

"Remember that time when I suggested that you send that miracle video that stopped our panda drought to all the other nations that had pandas in their care?"

"Yes?" Yao nodded. He had rejected Xiang's preposition, warning him that on no account was anyone in the world to see that video, not even Xiang himself.

"When you refused, well… I thought you were being your usual obstinate and competitive self. I felt that increasing our panda population was more important than national pride, so this morning, I sneaked into your house while you were still asleep and emailed it to every one on your contact list…"

Yao gasped and brought a hand to his mouth.

"After that, I… I opened it to watch it… and then I realized I must have sent out the wrong one. Honestly, I didn't think a file called 'For the Pandas' would be of you… and… and Braginski…" Xiang's voice faltered.

A harsh vacuum of silence invaded the office. Xiang studied the black canvas on his own shoes. Yao studied Xiang's full head of black hair. The Dragon studied the embroidery on Xiang's back, hoping that someone could break the awful silence in a civil manner.

"I'm really sorry," Xiang whispered, when his neck was starting to ache from looking down for too long. "But I really think that you shouldn't have put such a… such a personal item in your work folder."

"No, you didn't get the wrong file," Yao pursed his lips tightly. "That is the miracle video I have been showing to the pandas."

Xiang stared back at Yao, mouth opening and closing like a fish, but no words came out.

"And that is why," Yao grabbed a display sword from the wall, "When I tell you not to do something, you should have just listened!"

"But of course, nobody ever listens to me!" – Xiang narrowly dodged a swipe at his vital regions.

"… I'm just a stick-in-the-mud and a control freak…" Xiang had to do a pirouette to get round Yao's aggressive blade.

"And who always gets into trouble for your disobedience? Me, me, me!"

"Aaah! Da Ge, I thought you said you'd forgive me!" Xiang cried as he ran out of the Dragon's office, Yao at his heels.

"Yes, I said I'd forgive you, but I didn't say I wouldn't hurt you!"

The Dragon heaved a sigh of relief as the office was plunged into silence once more, peaceful silence this time. How grateful he was that he did not have to bear the burden of a nation.

Yao mopped quietly on his bed. He had sent Xiang away in one piece. He could not bear to break all his fingers, shave his head, pull out all his toe nails and castrate him alive after all. But it would be a long time before he could look him in the eye without fantasizing about sending him back to Arthur and his little kitchen of horrors.

The answering machine on his bedside beeped incessantly. It had exceeded the number of stored voice messages and the machine was voicing its displeasure. Yao would have to switch it off or it would give him tinnitus.

Bending over the machine, his eyes moved reflexively towards the screen. It displayed the top five names that had left the most number of messages.

"Elizaveta: 801 messages"

Yao was surprised. Wasn't she in hospital nursing a hemorrhage in her nose? How odd that she was trying so persistently to get in touch with him, especially since he had barely ever spoken to her.

"Francis: 699 messages"

Urrgh. Of course Francis would want a say in this. He probably derived the most pleasure from this fiasco. Yao blanched at the thought of Francis getting naked in front of his computer and doing things to his own member.

"Alfred: 666 messages"

Stupid nosy git, Yao cursed. If Alfred had so much free time on his hands to persecute him, he should put it to better use, like making money to repay his debt for example.

"Kiku: 606 messages"

Kiku was hardly vocal about anything, Yao thought. But if he wanted to talk to him so badly about this, it must be a major cause of trouble for him. Yao wondered, with a heavy heart, if this was the end of their cordial diplomatic relationship that they had tried so hard to maintain all these years.

"Ivan: 599 messages"

Yao drew a sharp intake of breath. Of course. Ivan was a victim of this fiasco too. Like himself, his naked body and… thing, had become subject to scrutiny by the world. Ivan had gotten himself into trouble to help him. Yet here he was, shirking from his responsibilities, not even offering a word of apology. Ivan probably wanted to call him up to vent his frustration or seek a word of kindness. How oh how could he be so selfish?

Yao dialed Ivan's number.

"Yao~ where have you been? Why didn't you answer my calls? I was so worried!" Ivan cried in his childish voice. It almost made Yao's heart ache.

"Aiya... I was feeling depressed and needed some time by myself to cool down..." Yao muttered guiltily.

"Awww... is my little sunflower upset? I have some good news to cheer you up!" Ivan said cheerily.

"What is it aru?" Yao asked, scarcely believing that any form of news could possibly cheer him up, but glad that the incident did not appear to have any negative impact on Ivan.

"As you probably already know, the world has seen our amazing work of art da~!"

"Amazing work of art?" Yao narrowed he eyes. That was the last phrase in the world he would have used to describe that immoral piece of junk.

"Elizaveta's offering us one billion forints to do a home video for her! She'll fly us over to her house once she's discharged from hospital! Kiku wants to hire us for nine million yen to star in his upcoming artistic production. It already has a title called 'Interracial Seduction"! Alfred wants us to appear in the centerfold of the latest issue of Playgirl! He can't afford to pay us, but he will stop selling armaments to your sister if you agree to do it for free. Francis wanted to engage us to do a threesome with him for three hundred thousand euros but I threatened to fly a missile over to Paris and that shut him up. All these figures are making my head spin but I've agreed anyway because with or without money, I'd be more than happy to show the world that Yao belongs to me. You will agree da?" Ivan prattled.

"Yao~ are you there? Yao!" Ivan exclaimed in alarm as a loud smash echoed from Yao's end, followed by an eerie silence.

At the bottom of Yao's bedroom window, Panda-san prodded happily at a broken answering machine, pleased with his new toy.


Author's Notes:

I read from somewhere that "In captivity, it (gestation period of pandas) ranges from 84 to 160 days." Hence this chapter takes place three months after the last one.

Regarding the numbers:

Hungary's 801 messages: In the Chinese fandom, 801 is the nickname for Hungary because 801 is read as Yaoi in Japanese.

Frances' 699 messages: Threesome position *cough*

America's 666 messages:
Oops seems that more people associated it with evil. "My favourite number. Because it sounds like sex sex sex!" ~ Oscar Wilde on 666

Japan's 606 and Russia's 599 are random numbers. I ran out of ideas lol

Topic : Axis Powers Hetalia
Genre : Anime/Manga

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Private comment

THIS title xD

*Q* I loved it!!! xDDD Yao is the best hahaha

Ohhh geeze

I think that the sex part was hilarious, though it was probably unintended. There were a bunch of things that made me laugh, like 'Yao's perky buttcheeks,' lmfao

But it was an awesome fanfic.

Re: Ohhh geeze

> I think that the sex part was hilarious, though it was probably unintended. There were a bunch of things that made me laugh, like 'Yao's perky buttcheeks,' lmfao
> But it was an awesome fanfic.

Ahaha it seems a few people were tickled by that particular phrase. XD It was my first time writing lemon so it was pretty awkward X'D Thanks for still thinking it's awesome!

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